


All my demons have your smile

by ninthdreamie



Series: the squirrel and his dearest acorn [13]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drabble, Kisses, M/M, jaemin has daddy issues and love issues, jeonghan and jaemin are siblings here, jeonghan is only mentioned here!, t/w: mentions of physical abuse and cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 18:18:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21002081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninthdreamie/pseuds/ninthdreamie
Summary: Jaemin associates love with very tragic things. Jeno is definitely not one of those.





	All my demons have your smile

**Author's Note:**

> Daddy Issues hours are: [OPEN.]
> 
> this is supposedly for another universe i was creating but i couldn’t get it out of my head, so to make peace w this scene in particular, i wrote it down.
> 
> anyways, this is to me projecting my problems on jaemin’s character here. hhhhh enjoy ig???

If anyone asks Jaemin what he associates with love, they’d wish they never asked him.

It’s because with that word, with that concept, he remembers his father walking out the door on a sunny Friday morning. Walking out quickly, lightly—seemingly only letting the tips of his shoes touch the floor, like it was lava and he’d _ burn _if he walked too slow.

He remembers him walking out, no longer wearing the shiny wedding ring he used to tell his children about with pride. He remembers being told that he loved his wife, unfortunately.

And maybe he loved her...until the sparks weren’t there, and he wasn’t thrilled anymore, and found it again in someone else. All while he was married.

_ Wait, _he could also associate love with the scars, bruises, and wounds on his older brother’s once flawless skin. Of course, how could he forget him. He always held Jeonghan close to his heart, and he still does.

Back when he was still fifteen and still waiting for his dad to come back home, Jaemin was the happiest when Jeonghan brought someone home for dinner. Someone whom his big brother loved dearly. He never said it out loud, but he deeply envied him for being able to find someone to love.

That envy wore off though the moment he barged into his room one school night, and Jaemin caught him with a concealer, applying it on deep violet, vomit inducing green, and distasteful yellow marks on his skin. Of course, he wasn’t stupid. It didn’t take him too long to connect the dots—what with the increasing bandaids on his face.

Jeonghan was with someone who associated love with pain, and inflicting it. And he took all the abuse, because it is still love in a way, right? So he still takes it.

_ That’s not love! _Jaemin shouted at him two weeks after that night. It was the only time he raised his voice at Jeonghan. The ugly colors were already on his legs; being his little brother, he wanted that to go away overnight.

But his big brother smiled to probably ease his worries. Rather than making it appear angelic, it looked like he wanted to cry. It’s the same kind of smile he plastered when their father left their home, and he had to place his hands over Jaemin’s shaking shoulders to calm him down. He needed hands over his shoulders too.

_ It’s fine, Jaem. If this is the kind of love meant for me, then I have to stick to it. _

Funny how their dad’s wrongdoing fucked them up so badly. Jaemin does not even know who is more fucked up, Jeonghan or him.

Funny how he’s thinking of these things when the only constant in his life is right beside him, eyes closed and breathing steady. His best friend. His soulmate, if that kind of shit does exist. His _ home _.

If Jaemin could associate something better and less depressing with love, it’d be Jeno. Of course, it was _ always _ him from the moment they met eyes when the teacher told them to pick someone to play with during daycare days. It was _ always _him from the moment he could finally ride a bicycle properly during second grade, because the latter taught him.

It was always _ him _ from the moment he held Jaemin’s hand when he was still wasting nights waiting for his father to come home. It was always _ Jeno _from the moment he told him he loved him and that he mattered.

Jaemin knew he began to love Jeno more than he should the moment he ruffled his wavy locks—the usual—and rather than feeling comforted, he felt dread. Dread because _ this is love _, and knowing that he struggles with said concept, he’s going to fuck things up for the both of them.

So he does not act on it, keeps his feelings within some safe space in his vulnerable heart, letting it shine there.

“What’cha thinking about?”

His voice breaks his lengthening thread of subconscious thoughts, and Jaemin realizes he has been looking up at the ceiling for too long. He looks away from it and turns to Jeno, who has both of his eyes still closed, frowning.

“You already know,” Jaemin drawls, and Jeno has his eyes open in a snap, his frown still present. _ Ah shit, here we go again _is written all over his face.

“I’m here if you wanna talk about it.” The worry is present in Jeno’s voice, nonetheless, even if they have been here before.

“Hearing it all over again would just annoy you, Jen. It’s okay, go back to sleep.”

But he doesn’t. Instead, Jeno pulls Jaemin closer only to make him rest the side of his head against his sturdy chest. He doesn’t notice himself sighing so loudly, so contentedly.

He doesn’t notice himself clutching onto a part of Jeno’s shirt tightly, wrinkling the material.

“I love you, Jaemin.” They both know those words mean something else now, that they’re not saying it as each other’s best friends. They know that there’s something more, but they don’t do anything about it, because it just feels safer with where they are now.

Bad things will definitely happen if they act on it.

So Jaemin does not say it back, does not give the both of them hope, even if it _ kills _him to not do so. But he makes sure to lift his head from his chest to leave a kiss on his lips. A kiss that means so much more as well.

But it mostly means this: _ I’m sorry I can’t say it back, but know that I want to give you the world. That I’ll never stop yearning for you, that I always want you next to me. That you’re the only one I’m sure of. _

Before Jaemin can even pull away, Jeno caresses his cheeks with his thumbs, encouraging him to keep going. It’s his way of telling him this:

_ It’s okay. I can wait a little longer. _

And more kisses are shared. This is the closest to love Jaemin can get.

**Author's Note:**

> pls send me validation as a writer and comfort as a person life is hard
> 
> twitter: @piscesnomin  
curiouscat: clreamer


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